The Grumpiest Crew in History

Today is the 78th anniversary of the birth of Apollo 7 crewmember Donn Eisele.

The Apollo 7 crew is widely regarded as the crankiest crew to ever fly.
In fact, the crew was so cranky that they became the first astronauts which NASA blacklisted from future flight. The reputation, however, is undeserved, and if it had been me up there, I'd have been worse.

All three of these poor fellows ended up suffering from terrible head colds during their 11-day mission. The waste removal system was so difficult to use that the men went as infrequently as possible - just 12 times total in 11 days. The food was disgusting and too sweet. Schirra needed a coffee fix, but he was more than 200 km higher than the nearest cup. The sleeping arrangements were so poorly planned that the men could never really get comfortable enough.

The transcripts of Apollo 7 illustrate the level of discomfort and dissatisfaction of the crew. Here is one example, where Mission Control requests a TV camera be turned on in the capsule. Schirra said no.

SCHIRRA: You've added two burns to this flight schedule, and you've added a urine water dump; and we have a new vehicle up here, and I can tell you this point TV will be delayed without any further discussion until after the rendezvous.
CAPCOM: Roger. Copy.
SCHIRRA: Roger.
CAPCOM: Apollo 7 This is CAP COM number 1.
SCHIRRA: Roger.
CAPCOM: All we've agreed to do on this is flip it.
SCHIRRA: ... with two commanders, Apollo 7
CAPCOM: All we have agreed to on this particular pass is to flip the switch on. No other activity is associated with TV; I think we are still obligated to do that.
SCHIRRA: We do not have the equipment out; we have not had an opportunity to follow setting; we have not eaten at this point. At this point, I have a cold. I refuse to foul up our time lines this way.

For comparison, here's what the conversation would have been like had I been the commander of Apollo 7:

WARD: You've added two burns to this flight schedule, and you've added a urine water dump; and we have a new vehicle up here, and I can tell you this point TV will be delayed without any further discussion until after the rendezvous.
CAPCOM: Roger. Copy.
WARD: Damn straight, "Roger."
CAPCOM: Apollo 7 This is CAP COM number 1.
WARD: So?
CAPCOM: All we've agreed to do on this is flip it.
WARD: Listen here, Deke Slayton, if that is your real name. Flip this.
CAPCOM: All we have agreed to on this particular pass is to flip the switch on. No other activity is associated with TV; I think we are still obligated to do that.
WARD: I'll tell you what I'm obligated to do. Go without a cup of coffee for 11 days. Crap in a plastic bag and then keep said crap in the same crackerbox where I'm living for 11 days. Eat disgusting cereal bars I wouldn't feed to Hitler's dog for 11 days. Breathe out of my mouth for 11 days because nose-blowing in zero gravity is impossible. Suffer through a headache that feels like a freight train driving through my cerebral cortex. And listen to you blather on about PPO2 checks and water accumulators 24/7. Bite me.

Although Deke Slayton insisted that the crew wear their helmets at re-entry, Schirra flat refused. Their heads were killing them, their sinuses were clogged with mucus, their eardrums hurt and all of them likely needed a toilet and a bran muffin.

Nevertheless, Apollo 7 was a successful mission, accomplishing all its goals.
Schirra, Cunningham, and Eisele never again flew in space.

I think we can all agree that the only human being who could have flown Apollo 7 cheerfully and obediently is G.E. Reisman.

Donn and Wally, rest in peace.
Walter Cunningham, every act of disobedience you displayed on this mission was a victory for the little guy over government bureaucracy. Well done, sir. Well done.